Dear Fashion Publicists

Originally posted April 16, 2010

Dear Publicists Who Keep Sending Me Emails Hawking Your Clients’ Wares,

I just have to ask the obvious question—have you ever read my blog? Yeah, I didn’t think so. You see, I’m not really a big “liker” of things. I’m not much of a cheerleader. I’m certainly not about to come to your showroom/runway show/sample sale to see what your supertalented client has created out of pipe cleaners and lint from her dryer. And I’m sure as hell not going to subject all three of my loyal readers to photos of the toilet-paper wedding-dress contest you got so rave-y about two weeks ago.

But you know something? This is clearly my fault. I have spent my time thus far on The Nines trying to give back when what I clearly should have been doing is talking about myself so you would come to know/love/barely tolerate me.

I am indeed a giver that way—always putting others ahead of moi. Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I’m going to use this platform for purposes of self-promotion.

No more extolling the virtues of the Tinz. No more high praising Marc Jacobs for his body art. No more kind words of encouragement for young bloggers and their misguided parents. From now on, it’s all about me, me, me.

How’s about we start with some guidelines for actual press releases that would be welcome in my inbox?

1. Showgirls, animal acts, bearded ladies. Feel free to send me any and all releases that address your circus costumery. The more sequins, rhinestones and feathers the merrier.

2. What to wear when you’re transitioning. If anyone is coming out with a line of clothing for women who used to be men, please drop me a line. I will pay special attention to those following current sportswear trends.

3. How to beat the heat in FLDS underwear. It’s no secret that the long underwear the fundamentalist Mormon women wear must get really, really hot under those pastel dresses in the summer months. Why doesn’t someone come up with some cool tips for the gals of El Dorado? I’d happily share them with my readers.

4. Dress like your pet. Anyone have any creative ideas for a one-step-too-far story about people who don’t just look like their pets, they actually dress like them? If so, send them my way.

5. How to rock a wimple. Any releases on the obviously soon-to-be-hot trend of dressing like a nun (hey, you saw the last YSL show, too) will be rushed straight to press.

There you have it—a few friendly words about me. Stay tuned for my next post, which will feature slideshow of either ME: The High School Years or ME: Bad Hair Cuts Gone Wild.

Yours in harmonious flack-writer relations,



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