In VoguePosted: May 9, 2011
Originally posted March 29, 2010
Dear Vogue Magazine,
I am in receipt of your April 2010 issue. I like to let it sit on my desk in its protective poly bag for a week and a half before I open it. You see, I was very, very frightened by your seeming ability to transport Gisele Bündchen—the most beautiful woman alive—back to a time when a one-shouldered Danskin bodysuit and a pair of hot pants were fashionable.
In my memory, this time would be never, ever. Perhaps you were just trying to level the playing field between the Über-Bündchen and the rest of us. Nice try. Homely girls across America salute your paltry efforts.
But I digress. I have a much bigger bone to pick with you. One of your cover lines (the one that runs dangerously close to Mrs. Brady’s camel toe) boasts of “Fashion to Flatter Every Figure.” After last week’s whole “Gabourey Sidibe is fat and unhealthy and will never get another job in Hollywood because Hollywood hates fatties—no, she’s a role model for individuality” kerfuffle between King of All Media Howard Stern and the rest of the media (who are clearly living in a fantasy), I believed that you, dear Vogue, were going to chime in somehow by including Ms. Sidibe and others like her in your survey of flattery.
I thought you might even end the whole debate once and for all and show how awesome Precious could look in a pair of hot pants like Gisele’s. Or not.
You see, I learned a thing or two when I cracked the spine of that issue—there are just five body types in the world. Yep, true. The fashion bibleVogue says so. The five categories of women’s bodies are: tall, short, curvy, thin and pregnant. Those are your choices.
Not only is there no category for Gabby, there isn’t one for the body types I’ve identified through an extremely scientific study called opening my eyes and looking at women.
In the few days that have passed since I learned of the five Vogue-sanctioned body types, I have observed the following anomalies: ’70s Flatsy Doll, Meatball with Legs, Bird Body, Enormous Fake Boobs over Boy Hips, Middle-Aged Middle-Thick, Painfully Skinny and Morbidly Obese.
I have gone back to the fashion you selected that could “flatter every figure,” and amongst your choices I fail to find anything that will look good on any of the archetypes I have just listed.
Now, I understand you were trying to generalize, but you know it takes a helluva lot of effort to plod through the pages of your magazine. Don’t you think you could make just a teensy-weensy effort when you’re coming up with story ideas?