The Bottom Line

Originally posted May 25, 2010

Many is the time I’ve thanked the good Lord above that I don’t have any children (like when I want to eat cereal for dinner or I decide at the very last second to hop on a plane and head somewhere un-cell-reachable). But right now? Right now I just wish that no one on planet Earth had bothered to procreate for at least the last 25 years.

Are you worried we’ll never rebound from this suckfest of an economy? you ask. Panicking about global warming? you wonder.

Don’t be so naive. I am really, really freaked out—not to mention slightly offended—by Huggies that now come in faux denim. Yep, Huggies Little Movers Jeans Diapers made their debut last Thursday. I really wish I could get my hands on some sales figures, but all I can come up with are a bunch of press releases assuring me that this is exactly what “hipster” moms have been waiting for. Oh really? I defy you to find a single faux denim diaper in all of Echo Park, Silver Lake and Eagle Rock combined.

I think you all remember how I felt when the USA snowboard team wore those tragic Goretex jeans ski pants during the Olympics, and now this. What the hell is the matter with people?

Isn’t it enough that Junior will most likely grow up to wear denim on his lower half almost exclusively for his entire adolescent life and most likely well into adulthood? Do you really feel the need to make his diapers look like a fake little pair of jeans? Christ on a Popsicle stick, the world is really spinning out of control.

To add insult to insult, Huggies even staged a “fashion show” in New York City hosted by Rebecca “clearly I will say yes to all offers” Romijn. Said fashion show featured toddlers clad in these ridiculous diapers marching down a runway in Union Square. I know I am not alone in wondering how many of those kids made it to the end of the runway without an accident…

I am so sure that we are a heartbeat away from having to tolerate camo diapers (sure to be wildly popular with the wives and offspring of servicemen overseas) and then the inevitable Huggies designer capsule collections from Zac Posen, Liberty of London and Karl Lagerfeld. Wait…I think I’m onto something here. I actually want to see Chanel diapers. And, Uncle Karl, if you’re reading this, I expect a piece of the action.


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