It’s Barbie, Bitch!

Originally posted October 28, 2010

I really feel like I sold the MTV VMAs short when I watched them back in September and basically deemed them un-blogworthy. Since I can’t stand Gaga, with her stupid meat dress, I just kept thinking to myself about myself: This is it, lady—you’re finally, officially too old to care about MTV,Jersey Shore withstanding.

But yesterday I was jolted into remembering that not only did I hear Bieber sing for the first time on the VMAs (sorry, Biebs, I was impressed not by the singing but by how your hair never moved), I saw and heard one Nicki Minaj for the first time. La Minaj was the only thing worth remembering from the VMAs—and I actually almost forgot her!

Her debut album, Pink Friday, comes out October 30 on iTunes. Yesterday I watched her latest video with (stupidest spelling/name ever, Billy Boy) for the song “Check It Out.” Not only does she sample the genius Buggles song “Video Killed the Radio Star” but she has a whole Harajuku vibe and obvious pink obsession, which intrigued me so much I decided to twaddle around on the Internet to see what I could learn about Ms. Minaj.

Oh, holy crackers, what I found only made me love her insanity more, more, more. First off, she apparently has three sides to her persona: Nicki the Ninja, Nicki the Harajuku Barbie and Nicki the Boss. These relate respectively to her hip-hop assassin-ness, her love of Japanese young girl culture blended with her love for Barbie and the color pink and her clear vision for world domination in the boardroom. Not. Making. It. Up.

Nicki Minaj was discovered by currently incarcerated rap star and Katie Couric flirt object Lil Wayne and is a native of Jamaica, New York—that’s Queens, in case the accent didn’t tip you off. She is 23 and seems, like many musicians today, to be in possession of an autotune device. Note, though, I am not hating on her for this.

In fact, all this makes her some sort of anti-Gaga. In addition to her obvious physical assets (emphasis on the ass, in keeping with the trends of today) and her affinity for pink wigs, Ms. Minaj has created a “Nictionary” for the layperson who might not understand phrases she uses. Apparently, Nicki and her acolytes (BFFs—Barbies for F–kin Ever) call one another Alfred Bitchcokas a term of endearment. The name for a man with no car and no money: aBen (a broke-ass Ken).

Dolly Lama is “a Barbie who makes everyone around her feel at peace.” AStrawberry Shortcake is “a broke bitch or one who loses sight of her goals and her cake by focusing on beef and negativity.” And a Powder Puff is “a sad faced weirdo who pouts.”

Nicki Minaj, you are my new favorite everything. Long may you live. Oh, one other thing I learned from Ms. Minaj? How Harajuku Barbies (HB’s) say goodbye to one another: IT’S BARBIE BITCH!!!


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