Originally posted March 1, 2011

The universe clearly didn’t want me to write about the ho-humminess of the Oscars last night, because here’s what it did to me—blew a transformer in my neighborhood and knocked out my power for the better part of the day, only to return it after the sun had gone down.

It was like someone out there was saying, “We feel you. Kelly Osbourne was uniquely unqualified to be commenting on what anyone wore, dressed as she was in gray with gray skin and a shellacked bullet hairdo, but we don’t want you to waste all of your time being negative today. Instead we want you to waste a full day wondering when the power will come back on so you can figure out how many outfit changes Anne “Drama Club Geek” Hathaway had and exactly who designed each one.”

So here I sit. Power fully restored, list of Hathaway outfits in hand, totally uninspired yet ready to plow through this post for you because I am sooooo sure you can’t stand to live another minute without hearing my two cents. (Because if Osbourne is a fashion pundit now, I must be like Elsa Freaking Klensch.) If you do not get that reference, then go back to playing Xbox911 or whatever the kids are up to these days.

Hathaway Outfit Numero Uno:  On the red carpet, she appeared in a red Valentino “from the Valentino Archives,” wherever that might be—surely on a planet somewhere with unlimited bronzer and copious amounts of hair dye. Snoozy but pretty.

Outfit Number Two: White Givenchy Haute Couture—two parts dominatrix, one part fairy princess. Lots of fairy princess going around that night, so I guess it was to be expected. The business around the middle was super distracting, and I’m pretty sure there was a rotary dial and a springy cord from a gold princess phone attached somewhere in there. Anyway, it wasn’t as middle-unflattering as Nicole Kidman’s white Dior number, and that’s the highest praise I’m going to be able to muster.

Outfit Three: Lanvin tuxedo with big clomping shoes (Louboutin, I think, but I didn’t confirm due to a general malaise), a ponytail nowhere near as annoying as Reese “Spotlight Barbie” Witherspoon’s and a song-and-dance routine as dorky as anything from Annie.

Outfit Four: Vivienne Westwood bridal gown…if you are the Bride of Frankenstein. Also a bit princessy—and slightly snoozy, if a horror-film bride could be considered boring. The hair morphed from the ponytail to a big, piled-up bun number, which made me wonder how many dressers and hairdressers lurked in Annie’s dressing room.

Outfit Five: Silver tasseled Oscar de la Renta. Ms. Hathaway made a big fuss of how she could make the tassels shake and her cohost James Franco seemed about as unimpressed with her antics as I was at home seeing Natalie Portman’s nightgown. Oh, relax, I know she’s preggers, but she didn’t have to dress like she was heading off to bed, did she?

Outfits Six, Seven and Eight: Burgundy Atelier Versace, electric blue Armani Privé and black lace Tom Ford longsleeved number. I lump these together not because they were any less or more boring than the other dresses—it’s just that by this point I was so sick of the schtick I needed to move my evaluations along. I will give the Armani Privé some props for being shiny and made of a fabric surely composed of crushed fairy wings melded together.

So in summary, while Annie was earnest and James was reluctant, my low point of the evening (Kirk Douglas notwithstanding) would have to be Gwyneth Paltrow’s country crooning. Until next year, I bid you adieu from the Island of Malcontents.


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