Wherein I Discover the Existence of the HumilitardPosted: August 19, 2011
I have never watched even a minute of Big Brother, but before you go commending me for my highbrow tastes please do not forget that I have watched every single second of Jersey Shore so I probably shouldn’t start bragging anytime soon about how erudite I am.
So yesterday when my old pal Mike Funes, he of 5th grade fan club fame (several of us future Gloria Steinems had a fan club for him complete with theme song sung to the Oscar Mayer Weiner tune. Take that, feminism!) informed me of the existence of the “humilitard” to say my curiosity was piqued would be the understatement of yesterday and possibly even today.
Mike knows I like a onesie. I mean I don’t keep it on the DL or anything—I will wear a jumpsuit over just about any other clothing choice and even found myself wondering where the blonde girl on Celebrity Rehab gets all of those weird teletubby rompers she wears every single day. See—I watch lots of crap, just apparently not Big Brother.
But back to the humilitard. From what I can tell, a blonde girl on the show must have done something stupid which warranted her being sentenced to wearing something dubbed the humilitard. The name held lots of promise for me. I was envisioning something like Borat wore to the beach or maybe some sort of modest cut flesh toned Danskin. Instead when I googled the shit out of humilitard I found something a little closer to Will Ferrell’s costume from Elf. Elf is a seriously awesome movie, btw and placing it in the context of the humilitard makes me feel dirty.
So anywhosit, rather than make me want to actually watch Big Brother and find out what happens to the Kewpie Doll in the “I’m Stupid/Kick Me/Propeller Hat” outfit, the humilitard has instead propelled (ha! see what I did there?) me to imagine some humilitards of my own.
In fact, I’m thinking of designing one for each original member of the Mike Funes Fan Club. Anyone know where I can find Lynn Furst or Lisa Youngquist? Yeah, I didn’t think so. You’re only as good as your Facebook connections, Doran. So in the absence of all original members of MFFC I will, I suppose, have to wear the humilitard myself.
The nice people from Pajama Jeans sent me a pair of those…maybe I’ll start there and sew a bedazzled bodysuit into them. Oh, man. I’m gonna be rich! I’ll call it the PajamaTard®.