I am totally going to add this one to the pile of ideas I come up with that are a) brilliant, and b) will never see the light of day: BOARDWALK VAMPIRE.
Yep, the name says it all. It’s a brand new series on the tellyvision (well, on the HBO so they can use swears and show off their incredibly toned posteriors) all about vampires during Prohibition.
It stars Steve Buscemi. (Have you seen those teeth? He’s a for-sure IRL vampire. Test out my theory. Stand behind him in a mirror and try to see his reflection—I’ll bet you a kajillion dollar you’re alone in the glass.) ASkars and Rob Prettyboy Pattinson are in it too since they are the standard bearers of the vamp genre.
BV is like the all-star Olympics of vampire television. Stephen Moyer is not in it and neither is Anna Paquin. In fact, ASkars is the only one from True Blood who makes the cut. I’ll let Kelly MacDonald be in it. She plays a kept widow vampire who is stuck with old tombstone teeth Buscemi but at some point during season 3 when we’ve run out of actual plots and we’ve resorted to just letting everyone sleep with everyone else she’ll get some sack time with Skarsgard and Pattinson—at the same time, of course.
During the first episode Omar Little will figure heavily into things because I think having Michael Kenneth Williams play a character who’s all about the suit he wears (Chalky White) is a serious waste of both talent and facial scar. Oh! I know—there will be time travel between 1920’s Atlantic City and Baltimore in the 2000’s. That way Jimmy McNulty, Bunk Moreland, Stringer Bell, Marlo Stanfield and Chris Partlow can all come and go from time to time as can Coach Eric Taylor, Tim Riggins, and Tami “Mrs. Coach” Taylor when we shoot the entire 5th season in Dillon, Texas.
Maybe I haven’t exactly thought out the story arc so well, but I don’t really see that as a deterrent, do you Lorne Michaels? Because BV would be a totally awesome skit on the SNL. Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg can write a song about it and perform it at the Emmys when I pick up my statuette for best mash up in a television series, miniseries, drama or comedy.
I would like to see this one through, no really I would. It’s just that I’m putting the finishing touches on my song “Old Man Slippers” (sung to the tune of Old Man River), which is an ode to the awesomeness of those brown vinyl slippers gang bangers like to wear with white socks. I should have it up and selling like hotcakes on iTunes any day now. Then it’s onto Boardwalk Vampire.
Look out world, I’m about to make something HUGE happen.