That’s Mrs. KJU to You

The sympathy notes have been streaming in from all corners of the world since the announcement a couple of hours ago that my favorite chubby dictator has gone and taken himself a child bride.  Turns out the mystery woman pictured with him last week was neither sister nor slutty concubine, but rather lawfully wedded wife, Ri Sol-ju.

Ms. Ri not only seems to be quite lovely in photos, she’s also a hell of a lip syncher.  Witness this catchy little number, Soldiers’ Footprints.


It’s probably better that KJU and I didn’t end up together anyway.  My go-to karaoke number, You’re So Vain would probably be misconstrued by my dearly beloved and would lead to all sorts of marital troubles and maybe even an early death (mine) shrouded in suspicious circumstances.

I’m going to send KJU and RSJ a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey as a wedding present.  Judging by the high cultural standards in the fine nation of North Korea, I have a feeling that pile of horseshit is going to really knock them out.

If you are looking for me today, I’ll be on the computer Googling the crap out of “single dictators” and crying into my Taedonggang.  (That’s North Korean for beer.)


Sister, Mistress, Wife?

Tell me which it is , KJU.  If I am to continue having an affair with you in my mind, I need to know who I’m up against, competition-wise.  Is this your lady friend?  Is she married pop singer Hyon Song-wul who your daddy disapproved of and would not allow you to marry?  Is it your sissy Kim Yeo-jung?  Or is she your mystery wife?

Honestly, it doesn’t matter that much to me who she is because as far as I’m concerned she is standing next to you, pudgy dreamboat and I am here in Los Angeles at my computer.  Well, if it’s your sister or some government official I suppose I don’t care all that much.

But if she’s your lady love, then it’s Xisca all over again.  Well, not exactly.  But you get my drift.

Vamos, Rafa!  Me, Xisca, KJU and the mystery woman will all be cheering you on during the Olympics.  It’s bound to be better than Wimby, right?