Unkle Karl’s Ice Kream

Originally posted April 28, 2011

You amaze me, Karl Lagerfeld.  Just when I think you’ve done the weirdest thing you could possibly do, you go and top yourself.  Of what do I speak you wonder?  A chocolate statue of “muse” Baptiste Giabiconi who you will no doubt remember from his epic music video I dissected a while back.

Unkle Karl has directed some TV commercials for a sexually named ice cream treat, Magnum, which star Giabiconi as a grumpy fashion photographer and Rachel Bilson (Summer from the OC) as a fashion model.

Rachel Bilson is adorable.  She is also knee high to a grasshopper making her less than believable as a model.  Giabiconi’s photographer is about as realistic as an SNL skit, but it did have me wondering if he was secretly parodying his mentor in his depiction of a photographer because well, Karl has taken a lot of photos of him and he’s certainly spent time on a Lagerfeld set during a photo shoot since they all seem to involve him.

There is not a lot of originality in anything about this spot other than the publicity-mindedness of hiring Karl Lagerfeld to direct it. If you don’t believe me, use your eyes and then you let me know what you think:

So basically the only thing it’s got going for it is the potential for a lot of publicity and a whole lot of head scratching.  And that brings me back to the chocolate sculpture.  Why wouldn’t you sell your ice cream bar by having a designer direct your implausibly stupid commercials if, in promoting said commercials, he is willing to pull out a trick like this?

If you can tear yourself away from the white briefs, please take a moment to note the comical detail of the ice cream bar and the bed’s headboard, which is clearly fashioned from an enormous Hershey bar.

I truly wonder when Karl Lagerfeld has time to sleep.  Being a designer is a seriously pressured and stressful job—witness the recent travails of John Galliano and Christophe Decarnin formerly of Balmain to say nothing of the suicide of Alexander McQueen.

I am going to stick with my theory that he is a vampire, which could (please, please?) mean that he’ll be making a cameo on HBO’s True Blood when the new season starts next month.  I will so totally be watching that in my underwear eating a Magnum ice cream bar.

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The Pajama Jeans Game

Originally posted January 4, 2011

Somehow I let the whole jeggings juggernaut pass by with nary a comment or a clip of Conan in his man jeggings. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the ludicrous nature of the trend (is it a trend—do you know any men wearing jeggings?). It’s more that I felt everyone else was commenting on the phenomenon, and I didn’t really know what more I could add that hadn’t already been summed up by Conan, his nine-mile-long legs and his deep knee bends.

It’s kind of like the Kardashians. I know I should write about them, but something prevents me from doing it. I would say I don’t want to give them any more ink, but usually that kind of thing doesn’t stop me.

So please allow me a slight digression to say only the Kardashian Kristmas Kard was the kind of gift that thinks nothing of the recipient and all of the sender. I’ll leave it at that. I’m hoping in 2011 to see less of Kim’s big butt, Khloe’s big head and Kourtney’s big mistake, but I am quite certain this won’t be the case. I’m sure they’ve got marketing opportunities up their sleeves that a flat-assed mortal such as myself can’t even begin to contemplate.

Okay, back to jeans—that was the intended subject matter after all. I think maybe this post is like a rainy Sunday afternoon. You’re planning on doing something industrious, and then WHAM! out of nowhere you are hijacked by some Kardashians. Three hours later, you find yourself, mouth open in disbelief, still watching their inane antics on E!

You see, I found myself flipping channels over the recent holiday break—something I rarely do. If it’s on my TiVo, I’ll watch it; otherwise, I can’t be bothered. But all of my standard shows are in holiday reruns, hence the need to see what was playing in real time.

I managed to skirt a Kruel Kardashian assault (the alliterations just keep on koming), but I did run into this—a commercial for Pajama Jeans. I have no idea how old this particular breed of jeans is, but they seem to have found their way on to that Yenta fest The View already, with Sherri Shepherd endorsing them. This is the woman who is not convinced the Earth is round so you’re on your own if you find her a credible source.

To quote the commercial: “Do you love stylish, sexy jeans? Do you love soft, comfy pajama bottoms?” Um, yes, but not at the same time. I mean, seriously people. Have we really become so lazy we can’t change from pajamas into actual pants when in situations where others can see (and judge) us?

Basically, Pajama Jeans are like the pull-on pants my Auntie Chris used to wear in the 1970s, only nowhere near as awesome. Hers came in a variety of colors and usually had coordinating polyester tops. Pajama Jeans come in one shade of faux denim, and if you act now you can get a free gray crewneck all for the low price of $39.95. Wow. If that’s not an exciting outfit, I’m going to invite Sherri Shepherd on a cruise to the other side of the Earth.

While you’re at it (ordering the Pajama Jeans, that is), you should probably order yourself a walker and a can of tennis balls for the nursing home, because I’m pretty sure you’re dead inside and it’s only a matter of time before your outsides catch up.


Diaper Disasters

Originally posted July 1, 2010

Oh, Jesus Christo, Mami. I predicted this, did I not? And did I not ask to be paid for my foresight? Yes I did. So pony up, universe, because designer diapers are no longer a figment of my warped imagination.

Allow me a little recap of the World Cup for the diaper set. The Redneck team scored first with the Huggies Little Creepers—or whatever they were called—but now the Preppy team has tied the game at one apiece, with Cynthia Rowley’s disaster for Pampers.

Ms. Rowley’s entrée into diaperdom consists of 11 “styles” available in mid July at your local Target, including these faux ruffled, floral and madras numbers, which make me think of nothing so much as printed paper towels—you know, the kind your mom used to have on the harvest gold countertop in the ’70s? What, plain white isn’t good enough across all categories of paper goods now?

Like most early-round World Cup matches, this one seems to remain tied. I’m just going to sit here wondering what we all did in a past life to be so blessed with such intelligent, thoughtful use of human enterprise, because if I had to write another word about fancy diapers, I think I just might lose my shiz. (Kudos to me for resisting a scatological pun this long.)

I will say this, though: There is no way in H-E-double-toothpicks that the Pampers/Rowley crew can top the Huggies commercial. Watch it and weep for the children..


The Bottom Line

Originally posted May 25, 2010

Many is the time I’ve thanked the good Lord above that I don’t have any children (like when I want to eat cereal for dinner or I decide at the very last second to hop on a plane and head somewhere un-cell-reachable). But right now? Right now I just wish that no one on planet Earth had bothered to procreate for at least the last 25 years.

Are you worried we’ll never rebound from this suckfest of an economy? you ask. Panicking about global warming? you wonder.

Don’t be so naive. I am really, really freaked out—not to mention slightly offended—by Huggies that now come in faux denim. Yep, Huggies Little Movers Jeans Diapers made their debut last Thursday. I really wish I could get my hands on some sales figures, but all I can come up with are a bunch of press releases assuring me that this is exactly what “hipster” moms have been waiting for. Oh really? I defy you to find a single faux denim diaper in all of Echo Park, Silver Lake and Eagle Rock combined.

I think you all remember how I felt when the USA snowboard team wore those tragic Goretex jeans ski pants during the Olympics, and now this. What the hell is the matter with people?

Isn’t it enough that Junior will most likely grow up to wear denim on his lower half almost exclusively for his entire adolescent life and most likely well into adulthood? Do you really feel the need to make his diapers look like a fake little pair of jeans? Christ on a Popsicle stick, the world is really spinning out of control.

To add insult to insult, Huggies even staged a “fashion show” in New York City hosted by Rebecca “clearly I will say yes to all offers” Romijn. Said fashion show featured toddlers clad in these ridiculous diapers marching down a runway in Union Square. I know I am not alone in wondering how many of those kids made it to the end of the runway without an accident…

I am so sure that we are a heartbeat away from having to tolerate camo diapers (sure to be wildly popular with the wives and offspring of servicemen overseas) and then the inevitable Huggies designer capsule collections from Zac Posen, Liberty of London and Karl Lagerfeld. Wait…I think I’m onto something here. I actually want to see Chanel diapers. And, Uncle Karl, if you’re reading this, I expect a piece of the action.