Nudist Shoes

Originally posted April 29, 2010

Sometime in the past year or so, maybe last fall (I seriously can’t remember, as I tried oh so hard to erase these images from my mind), I started keeping track of Anna Wintour’s footwear. I wasn’t doing this because she was always stepping out in something dazzling but rather because she kept wearing the same pair of horrible nude Manolo Blahnik sandals over and over again.

Because it was La Wintour, I assumed she just had multiple pairs and was heeding the old “stick with what works” adage that she uses for her hairstyle. Except…except…those nude shoes were not working at all! They’re best described as a pair of old-man slippers (think two wide straps crisscrossing over the foot) set atop a dullsville Manolo standard three-inch heel. No platform, no towering stiletto, no sexiness.

I blocked these offending Blahniks from my memory until very recently, when everywhere I turned I saw some nude footwear that jarred my brain and took me back to Anna’s misstep (ha-ha—misstep).

What is going on here, people? Nude hose have long been shorthand for a fashion “don’t.” Why the sudden interest in nude footwear? Is it a cue taken from the world of figure skating, where the pixie athletes pull their nude hose over their skate boots to elongate the leg? Is it an effort to support Anna’s year-ago statement and remind the world La Wintour always has the last laugh?

Ugh. You girls and your nude footwear are driving me crazy. A leg that fades into nothingness just ruins the whole point, if you ask me. It’s like going to a nudist colony. Do you really want to see people walking around like that? I’ll answer for you—no, you do not.

Shoes are the place where women get to make a statement. Even if you are wearing the same black dress you’ve had since 1987, you can give it a little kick in the ass with some crazy footwear. (I am cracking myself up with all the crazy foot metaphors I can bastardize here!) This is a basic rule of how to update your wardrobe without actually buying new clothes—and you should never, ever forget it. The same old schmatte worn with a brand-new pair of shoes = outfit gold.

Heed my words, ladies. Or go ahead and rock the nude shoes. But don’t blame me when your feet fall asleep from sheer boredom. Case in point? Even these Louboutins look lumpy in nude…but look how awesome they are in yellow!

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