Jesus Christ, people! The Rapture is coming. Do you have any idea what you are going to wear? I mean this could really be the party of the century or well, of eternity for that matter.
On the one hand I want to wear a really bitching jumpsuit so I can be all, “Hey Jesus, Dood, how do you like my jumpsuit?” But on the other hand, I am seriously afraid that if I don’t appear pious and wear a regulation issue FLDS dress with matching underwear, then all the paparazzi will be up-skirt shooting my ascendance. I know that a jumpsuit has no up-skirt shot potential and that is probably why I am gravitating towards it. You know what it does have though? Extremely high degree of bathroom-going difficulty.
If you are wondering who is behind the May 21 Judgment Day Malarkathon, you can blame one Harold Camping. You might want to call bullshit on Mr. Camping, a spry young 89-year-old radio personality from Oakland since this is not the first time he’s predicted the Rapture was upon us. The last time was September 1994 and we all know that didn’t exactly pan out, now did it?
What is the Rapture you ask? Well, it’s only the second coming of Jesus Christ. Old Jesus is going to come down to earth on the wings of a giant earthquake and all the Chosen Ones will lift up into the sky to meet their maker. The rest of us heathens will be left behind here on Earth and will be forced to fend for ourselves during the Apocalypse. In addition to the earthquake, there will be flooding, famine and locusts, oh my. Jesus will rule over the Earth until its end on October 21, 2011.
During the 5 months between the Rapture and the End of the World—End Days in nutball parlance—Jesus and his ex boyfriend Satan will be waging an all out battle AKA Armageddon. SPOILER ALERT: Jesus wins!! Then the earth is destroyed.
Um, correct me if I’m wrong but God and Jesus totally ran on a love ticket—all do unto others, etc. So why can’t they turn the other cheek this time? Why do they have to blow up the Earth and take only the Tracy Flick’s of the world up top with them? Hmmm. Something’s rotten in Heaven.
On second thought, they do not deserve my best jumpsuit / ankle boots / feather jacket outfit up there. I am staying down here on Earth with my own kind.
And I just had a super good idea. I’m going to make the whole thing into a video game so that when the world doesn’t actually end in October all those crybabies who didn’t get lifted up will be able to practice for the next time they cry RAPTURE.